The cougar relationship

(This is the unabridged version of my column, Something Like Life, published on June 6, 2008, in the BusinessMirror.)

I WAS channel-surfing the other day and chanced upon another showbiz true stories-type of program, featuring the Top 25 Cougars in Hollywood. Guess who made to the top of the list? Of course, it was none other than Demi Moore.

Okay, wait a minute…to those who are still in the dark, a “cougar” is a term to describe older women dating or are married to younger men. How young? Well in Demi Moore’s case, her Ashton Kutcher is 15 years younger than her. (Hmmm…did Demi ever think that when she was starting to screw around, Ashton was just in his nappies sucking his thumb? Eww. Banish that thought! Just think how the thumbsucker turned out into the gorgeous hunk and drool.)

To most women over 40 who have a difficult time finding and maintaining relationships with men their age or older, Demi has come to symbolize the ideal woman. She looks fabulous for her age, has a great career, has grown-up and, as far as we can tell, well-behaved kids, a supportive ex-husband in the person of Bruce Willis, and obviously lots of great sex with Ashton. To top it off, Bruce gets along well with Ashton! What a fabulously satisfying life Demi must have and I personally envy her. I wish I had the guts to date someone younger than me.

Of course, a cougar relationship isn’t exactly smooth-sailing as Demi and Ashton would like us to believe. Especially in our culture, cougar relationships, a.k.a. May-December affairs, are still viewed somewhat negatively. They are viewed as either predatory (on the part of the women) or parasitical (on the part of the young men). This is especially true if the man and woman are not on equal footing financially or intellectually.

I remember my mom dissing an amiga of hers who was going out with a man half her age. I, of course, applauded my tita and jested that my mom was just envious about my tita’s good fortune. Inggit ka lang, noh?! (It is a scientific fact that as women reach their 30s and 40s, their testosterone levels get a boost, thus accounting for their increased libido. On the other hand, men at this age would rather head off to Dreamland. As one writer asks, if you had a choice between a thick juicy steak and beef jerky, what would you choose? Then again, sex may not necessarily be the only reason these supposed sugar mommas get into relationships with younger men.)

While a cougar coupling may not necessarily be bothered by what society thinks of them, the age factor may still become an issue simply because each belongs to a different generation that is reflected in one’s attitude, upbringing and behavior. (Imagine ladies talking about traveling with Capt. Kirk in the USS Enterprise or getting lost in the Twilight Zone, to a man who grew up watching Barney, that disgusting purple dinosaur on TV!) What is important is whether or not the couple can weather their differences that come with the age gap.



Take the case of Vanessa. She is 42 and a strong independent woman who has never had a problem attracting men. But among the men she has dated, there wasn’t anybody serious enough to ask her for marriage, although she already had made a trip down the aisle once before, and has two kids with her ex. Whenever we talk about men and relationships, she always tells me that she is tired of the dating game and wants to settle down.

Now enters Toby, a 30-year-old American whom she met in May 2006. “It was the oddest moment because we met at the time when I was venting on my friends, telling them about my failed date two nights before and swearing that I would never date anymore. They told me not give up and that I would find the right man. Then they recommended Toby, who at that time was sitting at the bar next to us. And I said, ‘Him? How old is he? Twelve?’”

Vanessa says that she found Toby cute but she was more into men her age or someone older. “So at first I wasn’t interested. But I ran into him a couple of times. And as I got to know him, I realized how mature he is.”

As she got to know Toby more, she found out how many things they had in common. “He’s so cool. Bohemian like me. He’s a Renaissance man. We share the same interests: literature, non-mainstream music and films.” Calling Toby a “musicologist,” Vanessa says she has learned a lot about artists from him. She adds that she had never dated anyone who appreciates foreign films like her.

“Plus,” she rattles off, “he’s very open-minded, very interested in learning new things, very interested in my culture. He’s a modern man; he doesn’t expect his Asian woman to be subservient. He believes in equal opportunity in the kitchen. He’s from New Orleans and knows how to cook great dishes!!!”

After going steady for about two years, earlier this year Toby finally popped the big question. Vanessa excitedly announced it via e-mail and said she had gotten engaged. A few weeks after, the engagement was off. “What happened?!” I asked. She gave a cryptic answer about the age gap and the many issues that came with it.

Vanessa admits it was she who was more concerned about the age gap than Toby. “I was very cautious because of it. I wasn’t investing in the relationship too much because I thought he was still in the process of exploring life and that one day he would decide to go out with a 20-year-old bimbo. But as the months went by, I realized that I was underestimating him and that I was making a big deal out of the age gap for no reason.”

She realized how very serious he was about their relationship when she came home to Manila for a visit to spend time with her teenage children. “He said he wanted to come and meet them. That blew me away. I always told myself that the guy who wanted to meet my children would be ‘The One.’ And that’s Toby.”

Her kids fell in love with Toby immediately, especially her older son. “They talk about technology, which leaves me out of the conversation,” Vanessa jokingly gripes.

Two months ago, Toby again visited when Vanessa came for a visit. She is excited and says the engagement is back on and they are “making big plans this year.” I am, of course, keeping my fingers crossed that these plans push through.

“I realize that the age gap is all in the mind,” Vanessa says. “They’re just numbers with no relevance in the relationship. As long as you get along well and you have a mental and intellectual alignment, ‘cougar’ relationships can actually work.”

(My column, Something Like Life, is published every Friday in the Life section of the BusinessMirror. Photo from BM.)

Are you settling down or just settling?

THIS has been a really tumultuous few weeks.

Apart from the explosion in Glorietta 2, which happened a day after I had been roaming the area (I was using it as a shortcut to get from my hotel to a restaurant whose congee I desperately needed to eat only the night before), a friend of mine had a few explosive announcements herself.

Two weeks ago, V. had excitedly told me via Yahoo messenger that she was engaged. I caught her as she was waiting for her kids to come online. She couldn’t wait to announce it to them.



The only question I asked her then was, “Are you sure?” When she answered, “Yes,” I was happy for her. V. has made a lot of sacrifices, enduring a first husband she was only forced to marry, and bringing up two handsome kids while living apart from them. I thought it was about time she deserved some happiness of her own.

Besides, marrying the guy would give her some measure of security for her children as well. Without going into the details of V.’s situation, suffice it to say that marrying her beau would allow her and her kids to be together again. I asked her permission to announce the happy news to a few of our friends.

My boss, who was just in town recently, has met V.’s beau and said that she liked him. He was very amiable and easy to get along with. My boss said she usually sees V.’s beau taking photos at parties or events. I respect my boss’s opinion and was happy that V. was in good hands.

Then only a couple of days ago, as casually as she asked about the developments on the Glorietta 2 blast, V. dropped a bomb herself, saying that she probably would not be pushing through with a wedding anytime soon. She never got around to telling her kids about the engagement when she said she would –— and thank God for that, as this latest development would only confuse them. She said she was having second thoughts about taking the next step.

She listed some issues, foremost of which is their age gap –– he’s 29, while she just turned 40. V. said she sometimes had difficulty explaining matters to him because “he still hasn’t lived!” She feels that he still doesn’t know how the real world works. She thinks it’s the right time to settle down, but maybe he’s not the “right guy.”

And so as I tried to recover from this bit of news, I tried to console her by saying, “If you have doubts, then maybe you shouldn’t push through with it.” I told V. that she will know if the right guy comes along...that’s what everyone says anyway. I don’t know if there will be bells and whistles to herald that realization but I can only take my married friends’ word that “you will know.” So when you have doubts, then obviously things aren’t right, so why settle for a less-than-perfect situation?

I can understand V.’s confusion. Despite having come a long way from being mistresses of just our homes, we women still have to contend with a society that basically frowns on single women. Many still think a woman needs to be married to be considered a person. So we may sometimes use marriage as a security blanket to protect us from society’s blather, and also to escape a possible eternity of loneliness.

V. and I talk about this all the time. I admire her. She’s the type who is unafraid of putting herself out there, jumping from one relationship to the next, but she also has admitted of being quite tired of the whole dating routine. She just wants a solid relationship with a secure future. Don’t we all, ladies?

But be careful what you wish for. Now that V. has this gorgeous man in her life who has bonded with her kids and just wants to be with her forever, apparently she has realized that she isn’t a hundred percent sold on her guy. She thinks there will be some challenges because of the age gap. After all, not all marriages can be like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher’s.

I’ve never been married, and have not had a relationship with any man I’ve wanted to spend my entire life with. (Well, maybe just one, but that was when I was still young, stupid and in love with him. Now that I look back on that time in my life, I wonder, “What the f__?!”) So I will have to rely on my other married and separated friends’ experiences for guidance.

When do you know it’s the right time to get married?

It may sound corny but my happily married friends say that everything just “clicks into place.” You love each other and cannot imagine a lifetime without the other. You have such a great time together (and we’re not just talking about sex, sister), and you just want to extend that even further. For all eternity, if possible.

Knowing each other’s faults and failures, you still accept each other. You provide support to one another because, honey, you know it’s not going to be happy like this forever and ever. There will be times when both your patience will be tested, either because of situations you or he has created, or because of one’s inherent personality flaw. Despite all that, you can still hack it. (Abusive, co-dependent relationships aside, of course.) Above it all, there is mutual respect.

You feel it’s the logical step. It’s a natural progression that is somewhat like taking your next breath. You’re both committed to each other and want to take it one step further…and maybe start a family. By the way, in the course of the relationship, both of you ought to have discussed your expectations from a marriage. Like, you may want to have kids, but he may not. Or vice versa.

There are “life issues” that must be tackled beforehand. Apart from talking about whether or not to have kids, there are details on how and where you’re going to live (e.g., in your parent’s big house or in your own apartment), what kind of lifestyle you will maintain (partying every Friday or just staying at home?), handling each other’s friends and family (where are you going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day?), and, most important, financial matters (will you keep separate bank accounts or maintain a joint account?).

Some couples never gave a thought to dealing with these issues before they walked down the altar, and it’s not unlikely in the post-honeymoon days for one issue or another to just blow up in their faces. They’re unprepared to deal with the sometimes harsh everyday realities of marriage.

Why shouldn’t you marry?

You shouldn’t marry just because you got pregnant out of wedlock. Never compound a mistake with another mistake. Making the guy marry you may make him love your child, but that doesn’t guarantee that he will love you or love you more.

You shouldn’t marry because you’re afraid of being alone. Don’t equate being alone with loneliness. The latter means you don’t have friends, family and your God (or Goddess) to support you. Who was it that said it’s better to be left on the shelf than spend your entire life in the wrong cupboard?

You shouldn’t marry just because you want your relationship with your man to be secure. If it isn’t secure to begin with, how can it be more secure when you’re already married? If he wants to leave you, he will. It doesn’t matter whether you’re married to him or not.

I can only hope that V. will eventually find happiness with a man who truly deserves her. If and when she does decide to get married, whether it be with this man or another, it should be her way of settling down, and not just settling for the heck of it.

(My column, Something Like Life, is published every Friday in the Life section of BusinessMirror. Photo from BusinessMirror.)