I miss Pluto

Something Like Life
BusinessMirror, Feb. 13, 2009



WHAT do men really want? Does anyone know?

I often think that men, whether they be our fathers, brothers, lovers, husbands, or sons, only want one thing of us women: that we keep being their good girls and not sleep around.

Of course, this doesn’t apply to you if you have a pimp.

* * * *
DATING can send you to the poorhouse.

I would always spend way too much money on trying to find the perfect dress, the most gorgeous pair of shoes and the sexiest underwear that would bring the man of the moment down to his knees.

I’m comforted by the fact that whenever any of my relationships end, I’m still better dressed than the slut my Ex would be dating.

* * * *
WHEN men are dating, they will do anything and take us anywhere just to get us to go steady with them (or, at the very least, naked in their bed). They max out their credit cards just to treat us to the fanciest fine-dining restaurants or send us the most fabulous floral arrangements.

After we give them our precious “yes,” watch out, ladies. The next date will be at McDonald’s. And we’ll be picking up the tab.

* * * *
THEY say men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

I don’t know anything about that. I still can’t get over the fact that Pluto is no longer a planet.

* * * *
THEY say it’s all about pheromones.

What attracts us to men, or vice versa, is often biological and has to do with how we smell to each other.

So if you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now, change your deodorant.

* * * *
I LOVE scientists. They spend other people’s billions of dollars just to come up with evidence to explain even the most mundane things, like if it’s actually safe to pick up food that’s fallen to the ground (no, the five-second rule is a fallacy), or how long love lasts.

By checking their test subjects’ neurotrophin levels in their bloodstream, scientists from the University of Pavia in Italy said in 2005 they accurately measured that romantic love lasts exactly a year.

Okay, so they just gave one more reason for men to cheat on their wives or girlfriends.

* * * *
I ONCE had a boyfriend who gave me an all-in-one gift: his pasalubong from an out-of-town trip, a Valentine’s gift and a birthday present. Sure, it was a gold bracelet, but I still thought he was a cheap bastard.

This was the same guy whom I asked to bring home fresh strawberries from Baguio, but instead gave me a jar of ube. Which I absolutely detest, yuck! The relationship lasted for three years.

Yeah, I’ll say it again...love makes you stupid. (Okay, not quite, I kept the bracelet.)

* * * *
WHY are so many women single or unmarried?

They now earn as much as men and can afford to buy vibrators.

* * * *
RELATIONSHIP experts say there is no such thing as frigid women, only clumsy men.

Of course most of these experts are women.

* * * *
WHEN a relationship ends, both parties will spend endless hours and days finding fault in each other. There will be too much crying, sleepless nights and drunken foolishness just to try and understand how something so wonderful got so bad.

I say let’s just blame it all on our mothers and move on.

* * * *
IF you’re still at a loss over what to give your girlfriend, wife or mistress(es) on Valentine’s Day, just remember that women like the flashy stuff!

We like it when you guys try hard to impress us. So give us the luxury cruise, the diamond earrings, the five-star accommodations in the private beach resort or the most fashionable furniture! Bring it on!

Any woman who says she is more turned on by her boyfriend’s handwritten notes of love than a three-carat diamond ring is a lying bitch, ’di ba, Roopa?

No, the economic crisis is not a good excuse to wiggle yourself out of a Valentine’s Day present for your lady. Deal with it.

* * * *
SO you still don’t have a date for Valentine's Day? Be thankful. You don’t have to buy that new expensive outfit you can’t afford anyway, and sit in hours-long traffic on the way to the crowded restaurant where the wait staff will probably serve you the wrong order, and the bill will take forever to ring up.

* * * *
LEVITY aside, why not stay at home and cook yourself a nice thick steak and watch the American Idol Hollywood tryout reruns? Or experiment on the new pasta recipe you’ve been meaning to.

It’s a Saturday, so you have the whole day to read that book that’s been lying on your night table for months, or do those chores that have gone unattended (e.g. burn your photos to a CD, back up your computer files, clean out the attic or the garage, pare down your wardrobe and set aside the clothes you no longer wear for charity, etc.).

Or why not go over to your parents and spend the day with them? Cook their favorite food or give them nice presents to show how much they mean to you. Watch TV or listen to them tell their World War II or First Quarter Storm stories. For the nth time.

* * * *
IF you’re unwilling to endure another round of your parents’ endless questions why you’re still unmarried (just tell them you’re gay; that will get them off your back for a while), get your other single gal/gay pals and single male buddies together and have them over for a potluck dinner. While getting sufficiently soused over expensive vino, share stories about your Boyfriends/Girlfriends from Hell.

Better yet, go to church and hear Mass. Your boyfriend may elope with your best friend; your husband may leave you for the 23-year-old office tart; your friends may all get married, while your parents and siblings look on you with pity for still being single. But the one thing constant in this world is God’s love, isn’t it? That’s a good a reason as any to enjoy Valentine’s Day whether you’re hitched, dating or otherwise.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day!

(This is the unabridged version of my column Something Like Life, published every Friday in the BusinessMirror. Photo from BM.)